When I think of journey, I think of a pleasant walk in the cool of day amongst fragrant flowers and churping birdies. When I think of struggle, I think of strolling through a cow pasture, landing in a hot, steamy one and tripping over my shoelaces now caked with nature's fertilizer.
I can still get there, but there will be no pictures (and few hugs) when I'm dun.
I don't want to quit, but I don't want to lose. I mean, yes, I would love to lose, but I'm not much on admitting failure. After losing nearly 80 pounds and gaining nearly 10, I feel that I'm stuck and maybe a concentration on something other than carbs and scales would be best.
I got a load of feedback from my previous post and I truly appreciate all the concern. I'm not going to end my weight loss efforts, but I do think I need to put a higher priority on finding out why I'm always sick and in pain. Many will say that if I lose the weight, the sickness and pain will go away. Many will also mysteriously disappear.
I have a new quest and a new theme -- No pain, no pain!
In my latest conspiracy theory, I'm attempting to put all my ailments under one umbrella, fight the root of all this evil instead of the symptoms and find a doctor who will champion this cause.
Since my lap band procedure, I've had wound issues, infection issues, pain issues, five surgeries and the continued weight issue. I've gone from nearly 350 pounds to 268 pounds and up again. A problem that hasn't been addressed during this time is my increasingly painful ovarian masses that have been, from time to time, on the grow.
I will attempt to prove, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, if you eliminate the painful masses (and the blasted ovaries that spawned them), that you will reduce the pressure on the hernia-rich abdominal cavity, eliminate the hormones making weight loss so difficult and headaches so abundant, end the need for bimonthly surgeries which make exercise nearly impossible and maybe, just maybe, end the pain. And we know no pain, no pain!
Back to reality. Yes, I'm making myself laugh because it sure beats the alternative.
When all else failed me, I turned to RealityDoc (Dr. Eric Melancon) for help. RealityDoc has become more like a Big Brother full of wit and compassion for those suffering. He came to the rescue and through referral is introducing me to NewDoc who I meet this afternoon.
I'm gathering all my scans, reports, films and symptons and I truly have hope that I might get some needed answers.
My goal hasn't changed. Cecilia Grace is my one chance at motherhood and agressively pursuing wellness is my only chance to give her what she needs. She's still sleeping now and it's after 9 a.m. I'm hurting and I haven't decided if I'm going to give her up to daycare where someone can easily pick her up and feed her. I think I'll struggle through breakfast and then give her over to the able-bodied caregivers. I know it's what's best for her today, but she's all I have.
No, that's wrong. I also have a mission!