Counting the Costs of the Loss

I spent this entire day avoiding the blog because I was truly afraid of what I would write. It's not all high-fives and victory dances. Behind closed doors, it doesn't seem like a victory at all. Tallying the costs of a new start and this life revolution is a painful process.

The role I play in my family doesn't include holidays and vacations. Not being 100 percent for a few weeks will bring some things to the surface that we will deal with for a long time. My life has changed and I don't know if I can, in all fairness, expect anyone else to feel the same changes. My husband has, more than once, offered to get me burgers and fries when I express the need to get a meal out of the way.

Being offered 'a burger' when you are yaking on jello does tend to bring the homicidal maniac to the surface, but one has to remain open to the fact that his cries of "I keep forgetting," might be his way to remind me that he didn't sign up for this war and he shouldn't be drafted for any of the special missions. Fair? I'm working on it while sharpening all the household knives.

I was terribly disappointed to find that the 'average' recover time included me. I wasn't able to rebound one week post-op to write a sparking and brilliant business plan. I dropped out and the competition will roll on without me. But, of course, there's always next year.

My baby is singing with her cousins in the church choir and having a ball without her mommy. The only fun I considered today would have been to call the INS on the two 'visitors' hired to hang sheetrock at my new house. I really didn't, but where's the fun in that.

Coming back down to the 'average human' role once again left me extremely unmotivated to sip and snip at protein all day. I sipped a nap and snipped at benedryl. I got a call in the middle of my hate fest from my doctor's office. (It was really, really nice of them to care too -- grrr!) According to my stats, I needed 1900 calories a day and more than 80 grams of protein. Hmm, I wondered how my cup (huge, cup) of sugar-free hot chocolate skim milk fit into that picture. Even after snipping at some grilled chicken, I'm sure I'll be short today. But I'll end the day thinking ...

The .....protein will come out TOMORROW! Bet ya bottom dollar that TOMORROW, I'll eat some.